Today was, I think the lowest day that I've had in a long time. I'd say a year....but let's not be that hopeful. We'll say it was the lowest day I had in six months. I am riding wave after wave of hurt, surprise, anger, and betrayal, trying to wrap my head around the things I was told today.
I had thought to have an amazing set of new friends, people whom I considered my extended family and felt that I had their backs, and they had mine. Well my bubble of false bliss was popped this morning when I woke up from a text from a dear friend, which read 'are you awake? we need to talk.' Whenever you get a text like that...you just *know* it isn't going to be about something happy. You're not going to hear from the other party 'guess what....I won the lotto.'
Instead I get slammed by my dear friend that our circle of friends felt like (a) I was not being my own person, and allowing my mother to sway my feelings and opinion. (b) That my mother was trying to take over the paranormal group which we're a part of. (c) That my mother is being too bossy and 'mother' like, and that people don't need another mother. (d) That it is not right that I am treasurer of the group, being that I am a founder, and that if things did not change...that they'd leave the group.
I knew that my friend who was relaying all this to me was hurt, because some of the things which she had been told were outright allegedly said by my mother directed at her. And I knew that my mother does not feel these nasty things about said friend which were stated. I mean my whole happy world crumbled around my feet at 9:37am EST. Shock and hurt, and disbelief bombarded me. Because now I had to go, and somehow tell my mom all of this as it was being directed at her. And deal with any backlash from her as I know she'd feel blindsided too. So I told her. And I had to remind her that sometimes her tone can be a little harsh...and she needs to choose her words a little more carefully. (Hey I have had 34 and 1/2 years dealing with her. And yeah....I know both sides of her tongue.)
And as the day went on, my feelings turned more to hurt. Did these people really think poorly of me, let alone my mom? Were they so apt to talk about me behind my back as opposed to talking to me? Did they not like the fact that I spoke my mind, and that they were unable to sway me? Were they trying to force me out of the group? Did they not trust me? Dd they not think I was pouring my heart & soul in to this venture of ours, let alone was I qualified to partake in the tasks I was handling?
So like a little kid, packing up their toys because they didn't get their way, I informed the 4 people I was supposed to road trip with tomorrow that I would not make the journey. Just like that. Simple. To the point. No false reasons, no excuses. Just a simple e-mail to them 'Sorry, I won't be joining you tomorrow. Have fun.' It wasn't a ploy to have them beg me to join them. It was just that my heart was broken and my pride bruised. Mom in turn called my friend and had a heart-to-heart with her while I was at work. Meanwhile I started receiving e-mails from those who I would have been joining tomorrow asking if I was ok. Really? REALLY?!?!? Now you have the fucking nerve to ask if something is wrong? Gee, thanks for your false concern. My feeling is....why should I have spent the day with them, when they're talking about concerns pertaining to me behind my back and not to my face? Why be with them if I wouldn't enjoy myself?
Anyway, like the big girl I am, I called my friend (from this morning) to continue our conversation. Because she was the one who was voted to break the news to me about how everyone else was feeling. She and I are good. And that's ok. Because we had the balls to voice what needed to be said to one another. And we did so, with concern for one another's feelings. Do I really feel any better about everyone else? Not really, I kinda feel betrayed. And now I have a feckin' headache to go with this. But I also did change my mind and decide to go to feckin' New Jersey with them tomorrow as planned. Because you know.....being grown up, and growing as a person sometimes means facing things and hearing things which we won't love but handling the situation.
Now if only my headache will go away. Perhaps I should have another glass of Merlot.